Prepping for the Baby

Its been awhile since I wrote. It's been a little hectic. In under a week, the due date for our little dude went from December 27th to December 14th... a shock... to December 7th. Whoa. Its not terribly bad. He's a little small and they are concerned about his fluid intake, so they are going to take him to term, then deliver him into the world. His vitals all look good. Its more precautionary if anything. But... still... he is coming VERY soon.

The main question I am asked daily is, "Are you ready?" They answer is no. I am not. Its certainly not for lack of excitement and a healthy amount of nervous and scared in there, but the "no" is because it feels like I have too much to do to be physically ready. I don't even know how to change a diaper.

I've been working on my basement and fast as I can, but in two weekends of drywalling with friends on Saturday and working alone on Sunday for pretty much the whole day, I still have some work to do. What does drywalling have to do with the baby? Well, we can back up.

The room that serves as the office will become the baby's room. In order to move the office out and into the basement we need to "finish" the basement. Then I can repaint and redo the baby's room. My wife would like me to also scrape the ceiling in the baby room and retexture it. Then I need to assemble furniture and prep the room. All in all, this sounds fairly reasonable. In reality it is a ton of work, especially after losing the extra three weeks I had to do it.

My wife and I do this all the time. She sees a project like its something on HGTV. Its a big project, but all you see is one guy working on it in perfectly clean clothes, then an hour later its done and looks amazing. She doesn't see the details. I see ALL of them. I see every tiny step I am going to have to take to accomplish the job. Its not that I am mad at her about it, but its where our stress is coming from right now. I will work all day on something that takes much longer than either of us thought it would and then she will come check out the work go into all the things we still need to do. It kills me.

On top of the massive contraction job that is the house, we are also having an issue with my wife's car. The engine needs replacing, as well as the brakes and tires. The car is only 3 years old! Without going in to that whole thing, the main gist of it is that my wife doesn't want to drive this car anymore. She feels it is cursed and is a lemon. After a discussion and several days of stress and tears for my wife, we have decided the get the car fixed (the engine is under warranty), and look into training it in at a later date. Right now it is just way too much.

So, I'm not sure if this is what male nesting looks like or if this is a unique set of circumstances. I really would like to be preparing by reading through parenting books or discussing values and how we are going to split up some of the work at home, or even financial planning. Instead, though, I will be in the basement, screwing in drywall. I will be in the garage, building furniture. I will be doing a lot of stereotypical man-jobs.

I think my main frustration with this is not that it all needs doing. I don't mind doing most of this stuff, especially if I'm NOT on a deadline (which I very much am right now.) I think I am frustrated because it all feels superficial and unimportant compared to little human on the way. I feel like I should be preparing emotionally or perusing some parenting books to decide how I want to parent, etc. There are people and cultures out there with much less than us able to raise amazing people without all this. They don't have a finished basement with a play area. They don't have a car. They have each other. I wish we were concentrating more on each other and having positive vibes for the baby as opposed to talking about getting a new car or drywalling and texturing the basement. It was a real struggle for us to even conceive this little guy and there are now some minor complication with his birth. I just want to get past this superficial stuff and onto that stuff that life is really made of.

Sometimes I get perspective checks or thoughts that make me either appreciate what I'm doing or the exact opposite. I ask myself things like, "What if I was in a car accident and died right now? What would I have spent my last days or hours doing?" If I died right now, I would be upset with myself for being in that basement instead of with my wife, dog, and little un-born boy on the couch watching movies and making jokes and creating a loving, positive environment.

Fight Club... for kids?

Have you ever seen Fight Club? Or read the book? In college, at a time where I had no girlfriend, no class, and a part time job at a grocery store, I used my days as I pleased. One day I woke up, drove to Barnes and Noble, and bought the book. I then drove over to Best Buy and bought the movie. I went home and proceeded to read the entire book in different locations. Outside in the lawn chair, inside on the couch, in bed, pacing, etc. I read the whole thing. THEN, I watched the movie. THEN I watched the movie with the director and author's commentary. I remember this day as one of my favorites ever.

When I was a younger man, this book and movie and general idea behind Fight Club spoke to me. Not that I wanted to join one, but more about acknowledging that these feelings exist. Guys have pent up energy and rage and emotion. Society tells us to suppress it most of this....probably for the better. There are tons of other meanings to this book and movie, but I don't want to break down Fight Club, which many have done and one could do all day. For now, I just want to point out that the idea a fight club is appealing to some people because of our leftover monkey-brains and hardware. We have the elevated ideas about life and society, etc., but we have leftover hardware from thousands of years ago and leftover parts of the brain that still say "FIGHT" or "RUN" when we get into some situations. We are still very much the monkeys on the savannah trying to not get eaten by lions and willing to do what we have to in order to survive.

On to the point.... The other day my wife told me that a bunch of kids at her school were going to be suspended for fighting. I thought there was a giant brawl at school. Not true, though. Apparently in the construction area near the school (they are digging up an building home all over there) the kids were having a kind of "fight club" of their own. No girls involved, just guys, and apparently there was a touch of racial stuff behind it, although that hasn't been confirmed or denied. Just picture that, though. A group of kids, meeting at a construction zone, and forming a somewhat organized fighting club. While it sounds stupid, it also sounds  a little bad ass... admit it. Those kids have some guts. Again, please don't take any of this as me thinking this is okay or smart. Its lets talk about why this might happen. Lets get into the topic with the previous acknowledgment that, in the end, this is not a good idea mainly because these kids aren't mature enough to handle this type of thing. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Why would middle school kids feel the need to be in a fight club? Well, think back to when you were in middle school. If you are like me, the memories are potent and strong. I remember more stuff about middle school than I do high school. Our hormones levels and emotions are running crazy at this time. All our senses are heightened. I mean that literally. The kids even smell stuff in my classroom  that I don't. At this time the kids are trying to figure out who they are, what they like, what they don't, and are being judged for all those things constantly. Their feelings are raw and very strong. If you "like" someone, its not an idea or an attraction... you feel it throughout your body. If you are upset with someone, it permeates your whole system. But why a fight club?

Here's where I comment about society and coddling kids, etc., etc. Truth is, I'm not a father yet. I have a month to go on that one. I'm not sure what I am going to do in that roll, but I can't only share what I know from observation and readings I've done. Back in an earlier time, kids were actually part of the household, meaning they pulled their weight. They helped till the fields, feed the animals, bring in money from work, etc. They had purpose outside of being kid. Now we have this idea that they should be allowed to be kids. My parents are a great example of this idea that's growing and morphing. I did go out and mow lawns, shovel snow, and rake leaves for money. I had a paper route and tried to earn money where I could, but I never had to. I played sports and my parent took me to these things, and paid for the equipment, and never made me feel bad about it. I never went to crazy week-long sports camps or have private cello lessons or anything. Sometimes my birthday or Christmas gifts were the shoes or gloves I would need for an upcoming season but thats awesome. That's what I wanted and needed and I never asked for much else. I was pretty damn happy and well taken care of...but middle school was still rough. I got into some fights, did some regrettable things (lighting a piece of paper on fire in school is pretty stupid), and felt extremes for all emotions.

Despite my relative ease of home life compared to others, I still lashed out at times. But the question partly becomes, did I lash out because it was easy for me? Some kids I knew had very legitimate reasons to be upset and lash out. But think about this middle school fight club that was happening at my wife's school. How could something like that form just from kids who are upset for legitimate reasons? It seems to me that the fight club was a symptom of something else. As a society and culture we coddle kids, me included. They get everything for doing almost nothing. We don't want kids to go through any hardship if it can be helped. Everyone gets a trophy. Everyone gets to play. There's no major struggle or many kids. There is no outlet for the heightened feelings and emotions. We try to keep them happy, but the fact is, we need to feel. We need to run the gauntlet of emotions as kids to prepare for life. Keeping kids happy all the time and coddled doesn't allow for this. Look at the massive prescription drug problems in the suburbs. I don't think that kids abuse drugs in the suburbs to mask emotions. I think they do it to feel something different.

The areas surrounding my wife's middle school could be considered a strong middle class area. Kids here are mostly well adjusted and have everything they need. Not all, mind you, but most. They don't go hungry or cold. They join whatever team and club they want. There are no cuts to teams at the middle school level in our district. They all play. The hardships most of these kids face would not be considered hardships by our ancestors. So these kids have no major reasons to feel depressed, angry, upset, etc. Yes, home life can cause these emotions, but for many, they have no reason to be upset... yet....Yet, we need to feel these emotions. Our hardware has to workout how to handle the things. So, what do kids do? Some do drugs to try to feel other emotions. Some will try drinking. Some cut themselves. Some get through everything just fine, too. But, in this case, some started a fight club.

If you have never been hit in the face or beat by someone else in a fight, you're missing out. I think its important to know what that is like. You need to know, as a human, that there are people out there that can beat you up. It helps you make better decisions later on when dealing with conflict. I also think there's a part of our monkey brains and bodies that need to fight a little. Look at animals when they are younger. They "fight" as play all day long. It helps teach them skills needed to survive. Some of these instincts are left in us somewhere, suppressed.

My best friends and I used to bare-knuckle box after a few drinks. Shirts off, no shoes, outside in the grass. There were no real rules but if you tagged someone in the face we would stop. If you wanted to keep going, we would, but most the time that ended it. We knew that if we kept at it, we might actually get pissed at each other and then be fighting for real. We just wanted to get out some aggression with people we knew and trusted. It was fun. We all felt like, if the world went to shit, we could handle ourselves physically if need be. That was as semi-mature, 20 year olds. The kids in this middle school fight club are not semi or even partially mature. Thats just their age. Not their fault.

These kids started a fight club, I think to feel something different. To test themselves in a "controlled" environment. They need to get out these emotions and urges somehow. In theory, this seems like a great idea. Have kids fight a little. Have them learn to handle themselves and learn a little bit about what they are made of. Learn how to be tough in the face of adversity. Learn that you might need to get stronger and in better shape. Learn that life is tough, but you have to get back up. All of those things, in theory, are great things someone could learn fighting.... but one could also learn these things fighting in a controlled boxing class, martial arts studio, or wrestling. These kids are probably not mature enough to handle the lessons learned in a fight club. If a kid gets hit hard in the face, or pinned down and loses the fight, really, there should be no shame. It happens. You lost today to this guy. Try again tomorrow. But immaturity doesn't allow this thinking. If you are immature and get hit in the face, you become embarrassed. You start talking shit about that kid behind their back at school. You let it bleed over into your life. Whereas, with my friends, as soon as you lost, you laughed. You hugged or high-fived and had a beer. You learned a little and moved on. It was healthy, in my opinion.

This post was meant to be short, but my ideas about this topic flowed a little more than I thought. I think knowing I have a baby boy on the way has me thinking a lot more about how kids grow up. I have even more thoughts on this, but I think thats enough for now, anyways. In conclusion... I don't think the idea behind the fight club for these kids was a bad one, in theory. It could be very cathartic and healthy. But in practice, with the maturity levels, it probably had the opposite effect. It's interesting, though, to look at this as symptom of of society a a whole.

Pregnancy Brain for the Dad aka Me

I have heard a lot about all the crazy, goofy stuff that happens during pregnancy. With my wife less than 2 months out for brining our boy into the world, I have felt like we have had a pretty even time of it. She hasn't been sick too much. Food hasn't been a major issue in either cravings or not wanting certain foods... only here and there occasionally. But this last wee the dreaded "pregnant brain" or "momnesia" struck hard. The weirdest part was that hit me even harder.

I have been trying to do a lot the last to weeks and will be doing a lot in the upcoming weeks to prepare for our young gentleman on the way. We need to move the office to make the nursery. I order to move the office to the basement, we need to finish the basement. This past weekend, I spent the entire Saturday doing insulation. Sunday I worked and then did all the outside work preparing for the first snow of the year. Monday I moved all the millions of pieces of drywall we bought from the garage to the basement. I have drywalling, painting, popcorn ceiling scraping, and furniture building in my near future. My weekends are booked. I am not listing this to complain. I am listing this because I did not mention the end of the year awards banquet for my cross country team I need to planned prepare for, the extra work for my actual job, and trying to get in some training. I am busy and tired.... or, as many know it, normal human life. Apparently, though, all this stuff has squeezed out other "less important" information. I will get to that in a moment.

In the brief research I have done on "pregnancy brain" on both mom and dad, the science doesn't show much, but there are quite a few surrounding factors that could be reason for it. Losing sleep can severely effect memory, and my wife has been having a hard time getting through the night, which means the same for me. There were also a few ideas that changing hormone levels, etc. could be the culprit. One idea I found interesting was that there could be an evolutionary reason for pregnancy brain. Nature is telling us to simplify everything else and focus on the baby. That would make a lot of sense to me, actually. I also read that, at this time, I, the male, will also undergo hormonal and chemical changes. I will also start nesting and may become more handy around the house. I have not noticed that I am more handy, but my list of stuff to do is very long. Usually I will be quite grumpy about this, but lately, I have been actually looking forward to it. That must be the chemical changes I am undergoing. I don't feel a need to drywall, but I'm not as cranky about it. Reflecting on anything else I find different in myself, I can't think of much. I feel a touch more stress. I am more tired from interrupted sleep. I am also starting to feel a need to read a book or something to prepare for this.

Anyways... here are two quick anecdotes on the affects of pregnancy brain on me and my lady.

Last week my friend Jarid told us of a good deal going on a a restaurant we like, Los Chingones. He asked in an email if he should me make reservations for Sunday at 6:30.... at least thats as far as I read the email. I was teaching and just told him that time works fine... go for it. Sunday tools around and we go to downtown Denver to meet them for dinner. We stopped on the way to get dog food, but nailed the timing. We got there right at 6:30. The place was pretty low key as the Broncos were playing at home. Denver shuts down for the Broncos. I found it weird we were the first of the party to drive as this is almost never the case. The hostess did not have any reservations made under my friend's name. Crap! I checked my email again and my wife checked hers. We scrolled down. The reservations were for the NEW Los Chingones location in DTC. Crap again! Thats like 20 minutes away! We thanked the hostess who said she would text the manager... she was really nice. I called Jarid as we were pulling out of the parking spot to tell him.

Me: Dude! I am so sorry! We went to the wrong restaurant (me laughing a little.. .wife not laughing).
Jarid: Huh?
Me: We're gonna be like 20 minutes late. We went to the wrong one.
Jarid: What are you talking about?
Me: The restaurant, man! We went to the wrong one!
Jarid: Nate, thats for next week.
Me: (Very loud laughing) I think we've lost out minds

We turned around and went back the the first restaurant. We told them the story. They laughed and took care of us, even bringing us a free delicious appetizer. We had gone to the wrong restaurant on the wrong day. That's totally ridiculous. Neither of us bothered to read the full email. We both prioritized it as low and moved on to whatever was next.

Then....Tuesday, I was scheduled to do a presentation at one of my colleague's college classes she is teaching at Regis University about literacy practices for teachers. She asked me to do this a really long time ago, saying it would be great to bring in a perspective on literacy from an art perspective. I agreed to it, set the date, and put it in the calendar. I worked really hard at the presentation and saw it as an opportunity. Now that I have my Master's degree, maybe I could moonlight some classes at a small university. I had a whole thing about language creating reality and showing a glassblowing video to introduce new vocabulary and passing out images to use and breakdown using a Frayer model, etc.

I had a plan for Tuesday, as well. It was my day to come home first after school to let the dog out, etc. I also needed to get to a local pottery store to buy a material that helps fix projects so I could repair some of my students' projects that had broken. The pottery store was only a few minutes from the university. The plan was go home, walk the dog, double check my PP, and leave the house at 4:15 or so. I could get to the pottery place a little before 5. I would run in, grab the stuff, and maybe even have time to grab a coffee before I needed to be on campus for the 5:30 class. Seems reasonable, right?

I implemented my master plan, all working to perfection right up to the pottery store, which I arrived at 10 minutes before 5. I left my phone in the car. I never do that, but thought, "I'll just be a minute". Well, the guy in front of me was ordering a million different things. He was in corduroy pants, a deadhead shirt, and had dreads. I am not judging the look, but apparently he works at a high school. I am envious he can dress like that to school. I wish I didn't have to wear dress past everyday and get clay all over them. He kept ordering different types of clay to try out on their pottery wheel, spending all sorts of money. Again.... jealous. By the time I left, it was 5:15. Not enough time for coffee, but I would still make it. I checked my phone getting in the car to get directions. There were several messages asking me if I was OK, where I was, etc. Uh oh. I called my colleague. Long enough story, shorter.... apparently the class started at 4:30, not 5:30. I was an hour late. A HOUR LATE!

I apologized profusely. I drove over there and met them at the campus pub which was having dollar beer night. No one else was there but our small group of graduate students. The undergrads had left... which I completely agree with. The group was really nice and allowed me to present how I use the Frayer model with images and discuss a few things. They even participated in the activity. So, I taught my first college class at a pub.

I don't know why I thought the time was 5:30. Did I come up with that number? Why didn't I double check with her to make sure I knew? Again, maybe this past week it wasn't a priority and the pregnancy brain bug decided to prioritize my life for me. I remembered for sure to text my buddy Monday and have him come over and help me move drywall around in preparation, ultimately, for the baby room. Did nature do this prioritizing for me? I don't know. I do know that, despite what I think I can do, I am having a hard time remembering everything I should or even having enough awareness to check on things twice. It could be sleep. It could be I have too much going on. Maybe I need some brain supplements. I don't know. But now that I have identified this thing, I am going to try to work through it.... oh yeah, I lost my sunglasses yesterday somehow, too.

If you are experiencing pregnancy brain as a mom or dad or whoever is involved with the incoming baby, do not feel bad about forgetting things an slowly losing our mind. You are not alone. Although, if you go to the wrong place at the wrong time, you might be.

Akashic Records

In the past couple months since I have started this blog and started to try to learn about different topics either to discuss on here or just for the sake of learning I have gone through many different  books, podcasts, documentaries, etc. I have yet to come across something so confusing and subjective as the idea of the Akashic Records. If you know what these are already, you know what I mean. I am not going to sit here and write about how they are true or not true. I think, in this case, the best I can do is put out the information I have gathered and reflect on it. If you are reading this and find this topic interesting, by all means, go do some fun research. There are a million podcasts and websites on the topic. Following, I will do my best to put together what I have gathered.
From what I can tell, the Akashic Records could be a non-local dimension of knowledge. It’s a plane of existence or consciousness where all the thoughts that have even been and ever will be made by humans exist. Our actions, thoughts, and feelings are all recorded in this place.  It may also be referred to as the Hall of Records or The Book of Life. It was made famous by a few people in the 1800's who could "access" it during "readings". Edgar Cayce is the one I find most interesting of this small crew. I am starting to research him. There's a LOT out there. 

In my quest for knowledge about this topic, mistakenly thinking it would clear up my confusion about it, I just became more lost and confused. It seems that these records have been used by religious individuals, shamans, mystics, spiritual guides, life coaches, psychics, and others. They have possible been referred to in the Bible, by the Druids, the Vedas, the Egyptians, and others. In the interviews and information I read and listened to, these records could be accesses through meditation, astral projection, through psychic readings, and more. Some experts discussed how they have guardian beings that watch over them. Some discussed how they use them to look up past lives. Some discussed that they could be one of the 11 dimensions needed to complete String Theory. It seems that they can be used by almost anyone for almost any reason. If you think that is too broad of a description, go and start looking these things up. It’s intimidating, actually. 
Due to the massive amount of information about Akashic Records and the many uses, I want to just briefly discuss the possible uses I found most interesting.

Firstly, one of the things Edgar Cayce used to be able to do, supposedly recorded from testimony and written accounts of what he said after accessing the records, was find helpful medical and health information. He supposedly told some doctors to use a nail in someone's broken leg to help heal it. This had not been done before (again, supposedly..... you can probably just think that I will not keep writing it). The nail worked! He also foretold of a time here a drop of blood could be used to find out everyone's medical issues and how to solve them. That, ladies and gentleman, is just about true. We can find out what's wrong, but now we are getting close to finding cures for things based on our own genetic makeup. Personalized cures for diseases aren't that far fetched. Could the Akashic files be used to advance health care and our strive for immortality? (don't pretend like we aren't trying for that). It seems that those who can access the records can find out useful medical knowledge. This could be because they now have access to everyone's ideas and knowledge or because they can access future knowledge. If the latter is possible, really and truly possible, then we should all be trying to access the records. If we can access the future where we have found a cure for cancer, we need to look for it like crazy. Cancer is one of my major fears. My mom had it when I was in first grade. She survived, but I know it runs in our family and I am very worried I am going to get it.

But back on topic... What if we figure out we can get health information from the future using the Akashic files? That brings up a few questions. If it is true, then why haven't we done so already to cure things like cancer and other diseases? Why don't those individuals who claim they can access the records use them to do this instead of doing readings on people's past lives? Maybe some people only have access to certain types of information, but that seems silly. I am not going to say that people can't see past lives and stuff, because I have no idea. It could be totally true and real. What I am saying is that if you have an ability that is so special and you can access something so amazing, why use it to solve small, individual problems? We should be using this ability to access it to help humanity? I feel myself getting worked up because questions like this make the whole thing seem like a big scam a lot of people a running to make money. In almost every interview I found a listened to on subject, not all, the person being interviewed mostly talked about themselves and how they got into psychic readings or how they figured out how to access the The Records, etc. Never did anyone discuss HOW they did it or WHY they think it exists or even the commonalties that exist about the records between individuals. It just felt like people making things up. Again, I could be way off base, but that's how it seemed to me. 

Back to believing that the Akashic Records are real and important.... Did individuals like Steve Jobs and Nikola Tesla have access to the records? Is that why they were so innovative. Tesla once said, "My brain is only a receiver. In the universe, there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength, inspiration. I have not penetrated into the secrets of this core, but I know it exists". Many artists, singers, writers, and others claim that at their most creative, they are no longer in charge of their  body but are like passengers. Some call this the muse. Could this actually be the Akashic Records? The idea of the "muse" has been around for a very long time. I have been working on a piece of art before and had to stand back and see what I've done after awhile because time flew by and I wasn't even aware of working. I just call it getting in "the zone". In this head space, I stop judging what I am making and stop thinking an just make it. It usually goes better. 

There was a little sic-fi time travel movie I watched once not long ago where an artist used a "magic" camera to take pictures of his canvas 24 hours into the future. He would then paint whatever was in the picture. In the movie they were terrible and looked like pictures someone found on shutter stock or something, but that's not the point. The idea of doing this could be similar to accessing the Akashic records. If what we are going to do already exists in the records, than there are no original ideas and works of art. They already exist and we just need to pull them down from the hallowed Hall of Records. This actually feels like it might take some pressure off. If I don't have to stress about coming up with all new original ideas every time I do an artwork, I might make more easier and faster. If the ideas already exist somewhere, I don't need to worry about where I got my ideas, how I got them, or how original they are. Obviously, I shouldn't be straight up copying others work, but I also don't need to stress about reinventing the wheel. I just need to make art and access "the muse" or the Records. 

I cannot put a pretty bow on this subject to wrap it up. There is too much out there and too many varying ideas and interpretations for me to just give one and say, "this is what it is". I am not sure I believe a lot of what was said in the interviews and article I looked into. It seems that people's ideas about what he records are and could be used for vary so much that there is no real consensus. I don think, as with anything like this, there are tons of people out there just trying to make a buck and making all sorts of stuff up. Oh, you can access a dimension made of knowledge but can only do readings of past lives? Riiiiigghhht. I do think its more likely that this plane of knowledge serves more like a muse. We access it while in the right frame of mind to come up with inventions and art and solutions to problems. I am not sure I buy that 100%, though. 

The best thing you can do is to search it yourself and see what you think.