Team Mom and Dad: Equal time?

This past weekend was a nice three day weekend due to Presidents Day. My wife and I had really nothing crazy planned. She had a brunch thing with her friends Saturday, allowing her to get out of the house and allowing me some alone time with our little baby boy of almost 3 months. This weekend of free time, though, ultimately lead to a conversation we needed to have surrounding how we both help in taking care of our little man. Here's the lead in....

The period of time while my wife was gone this weekend, about 5 hours (which I thought was going to be closer to 3), went pretty well. Our little man, though, doesn’t love eating from the bottle. He got hungry almost the immediately after my wife left. I warmed up a bottle while he screamed bloody murder. His screaming and crying doesn't really get to me... I just feel bad he's crying. Warming up a bottle only takes a few minutes, but for those few minutes, despite efforts to soothe, he's pretty upset.

I do not want your ridiculous bottled milk! I want the good stuff!

He didn’t take the bottle for a while when I first tried to give it to him, screaming to try to get his mom’s attention that he was hungry. Once he realized his best option was me, with the bottle, and that the bottle had milk in it, he ate. But he wasn’t happy about it. He still tried to cry and moan while eating, which was kind of funny, but also made me nervous he would spit up. He got hungry two more times during this period and each time screamed his head off until he finally ate a little, then would fall asleep halfway through because he was tired from screaming.

When my wife got home, I told her how it went, putting a mostly positive span on things. It really wasn’t that bad. I was just a little frustrated as I thought she was going to be home sooner and that would have meant one less screaming party… but really it wasn’t a big deal at all. We did get to play some, make faces, dance a little, etc. My wife, though, seemed almost pleased that he got upset. Not that the baby was upset, but that I could see what it was like. I could be reading into her  demeanor way too much, here. But I get it. Mom’s that are at home (and I mean at the beginning really… my wife will be returning to work soon), want the spouse to see how hard it actually is during the day. To know they are working hard and that it’s not easy.

Here’s the thing, though. I know it’s not easy. I never said it was or have said anything about how I have to work and she GETS to stay home, or how hard my day was compared to hers, or anything like that. Sometimes, though, I get a sense that she thinks I do have these thoughts. I really don’t.

On the last day of the nice long weekend, I was putting in some work time for school, planning out a couple brand new lessons I would like to try out. During this time, my wife was also trying to do some resume building, etc. as she is going to look for a new job now that she has her administration license. We took turns with the baby boy, but, if I am honest, she took him more. I am very willing to take him, but if he is hungry, often it’s easier for her to take him. Most of the time he cries its because he's hungry. Also, my wife and son have developed a daily routine. I don't know whats in their routine, so I tend not to follow it. At the end of the day, though, all this started a conversation that never got heated or loud, but there was some obvious frustration.

My wife thought it might be a good idea to set up a time when I got home from work and coaching that  would be my turn with the baby. I'd be in charge from 5-7 or something like that and I would take full responsibility for the little man and that maybe we would set up times on weekends, too. I think she had a conversation with her extremely organized friend (who is awesome, but definitely a very organized person and is the type of person others follow on Pinterest to see how she organizes her kitchen and stuff). While I see the merit in this idea, I immediately questioned it.

Do we really want to set hard boundaries or time lines for when we are going to parent? Do we want to set our lives up so that I am separate from you for 2 hours each day, or that you are separate from the baby during that time? Are we not going to work together? I don’t mind helping at all and want to spend time with my baby boy, and want to be engaged, but I think putting a time limit or quota on it is tough. Part of the reasoning behind this idea, is to make sure he is getting a bottle everyday. We've talked about this part before and agree. He needs to be used to the bottle for when my wife goes back to work. He won't take a bottle from her because he knows she has the fresh goods. But, in my opinion as a first time parent and knowing very little, I think creating clear cut times is not the way to go.

The end of this conversation was cut off as a neighbor stopped by, for which I was grateful. I really didn't want to come to conclusion because I feel like we weren't in the right head space for it. To be honest, it felt like one of those conversations that happen when you are feeling frustrated but would seem unnecessary later on. You'd look back and realize it didn't need to happen or it didn't need to happen the way it did.

Last night, though, was a good example of what I would like to see us do. I got home around 5:30 after work and practice. My wife had dinner almost ready, which is awesome of her (I don’t mean to make it seem that she needs to make dinner. I do sometimes, too, but it was awesome it ready to go...). The little man was napping. Half way through eating, he woke up. I decided to go pick him up and ate while bouncing him a little. After eating he was hungry and my wife prepped a bottle. I kept him happy and occupied until it was ready and then fed him. He wasn’t super happy about the bottle, but he did alright. Throughout the evening we took turns. I played with him and hung out with him while my wife worked on her resume stuff. She took him when he got hungry again and I sat with them and chatted. I took him back when he was getting really fussy while eating to help burp him and give my wife a quick break.

The point is, we didn’t set exact times or boundaries. We worked together. I helped out when I could. My wife stepped in when it was needed. We worked together and the little guy had a great evening and slept through the night. 

In marriage, I think we often fall into the traps of keeping track of who does what and how much. “I made dinner last night, so it’s your turn.” “I made dinner, so you do the dishes.”  “I did laundry, now you do this.” We keep a tally. I’m not the first to point this out and won’t be the last. I am totally guilty of this and have to catch myself when I do it. It’s not about how much I do vs. how much someone else does. The question is, are we both working together to achieve the goal or get “X” done? We both know the dishes need to be put away. If you have the time, take a minute and do it, whether you did it last time or not. If the baby is upset, let’s figure out why and try to help. If my wife seems frustrated and tired, I will step in if possible. In our house, I have kind of taken over a lot of the dog duties, but my wife will go play with her or walk her if I ask her to, or without asking at all, to help me out. Most of the time, it doesn’t take more than a quick word or polite plead and things get taken care of. I like this system and maybe it seems like I should do more, but I think trying to set up an actual time quota will only lead to argument, frustration, and more problems. 

My wife and I are a good team and have demonstrated it time and time again. We’ve accomplished a lot together. Can I do more to help sometimes?…Most likely, yes. Do we get frustrated with each other? Sure. But, we always seem to figure it out. Will the topic of equal time in childcare come up again… I am positive it will. But that’s okay. If we can hear each other out I think we will be just fine.

Prepping for the Baby

Its been awhile since I wrote. It's been a little hectic. In under a week, the due date for our little dude went from December 27th to December 14th... a shock... to December 7th. Whoa. Its not terribly bad. He's a little small and they are concerned about his fluid intake, so they are going to take him to term, then deliver him into the world. His vitals all look good. Its more precautionary if anything. But... still... he is coming VERY soon.

The main question I am asked daily is, "Are you ready?" They answer is no. I am not. Its certainly not for lack of excitement and a healthy amount of nervous and scared in there, but the "no" is because it feels like I have too much to do to be physically ready. I don't even know how to change a diaper.

I've been working on my basement and fast as I can, but in two weekends of drywalling with friends on Saturday and working alone on Sunday for pretty much the whole day, I still have some work to do. What does drywalling have to do with the baby? Well, we can back up.

The room that serves as the office will become the baby's room. In order to move the office out and into the basement we need to "finish" the basement. Then I can repaint and redo the baby's room. My wife would like me to also scrape the ceiling in the baby room and retexture it. Then I need to assemble furniture and prep the room. All in all, this sounds fairly reasonable. In reality it is a ton of work, especially after losing the extra three weeks I had to do it.

My wife and I do this all the time. She sees a project like its something on HGTV. Its a big project, but all you see is one guy working on it in perfectly clean clothes, then an hour later its done and looks amazing. She doesn't see the details. I see ALL of them. I see every tiny step I am going to have to take to accomplish the job. Its not that I am mad at her about it, but its where our stress is coming from right now. I will work all day on something that takes much longer than either of us thought it would and then she will come check out the work go into all the things we still need to do. It kills me.

On top of the massive contraction job that is the house, we are also having an issue with my wife's car. The engine needs replacing, as well as the brakes and tires. The car is only 3 years old! Without going in to that whole thing, the main gist of it is that my wife doesn't want to drive this car anymore. She feels it is cursed and is a lemon. After a discussion and several days of stress and tears for my wife, we have decided the get the car fixed (the engine is under warranty), and look into training it in at a later date. Right now it is just way too much.

So, I'm not sure if this is what male nesting looks like or if this is a unique set of circumstances. I really would like to be preparing by reading through parenting books or discussing values and how we are going to split up some of the work at home, or even financial planning. Instead, though, I will be in the basement, screwing in drywall. I will be in the garage, building furniture. I will be doing a lot of stereotypical man-jobs.

I think my main frustration with this is not that it all needs doing. I don't mind doing most of this stuff, especially if I'm NOT on a deadline (which I very much am right now.) I think I am frustrated because it all feels superficial and unimportant compared to little human on the way. I feel like I should be preparing emotionally or perusing some parenting books to decide how I want to parent, etc. There are people and cultures out there with much less than us able to raise amazing people without all this. They don't have a finished basement with a play area. They don't have a car. They have each other. I wish we were concentrating more on each other and having positive vibes for the baby as opposed to talking about getting a new car or drywalling and texturing the basement. It was a real struggle for us to even conceive this little guy and there are now some minor complication with his birth. I just want to get past this superficial stuff and onto that stuff that life is really made of.

Sometimes I get perspective checks or thoughts that make me either appreciate what I'm doing or the exact opposite. I ask myself things like, "What if I was in a car accident and died right now? What would I have spent my last days or hours doing?" If I died right now, I would be upset with myself for being in that basement instead of with my wife, dog, and little un-born boy on the couch watching movies and making jokes and creating a loving, positive environment.