What I want to be when I grow up

My wife and I have been talking quite a bit lately about our next career moves. She has her administration license and is looking for an assistant principal job. I will be going into my 9th year teaching next year and I have been at the same school the whole time (not counting a year I was a sub in Rockford, IL). If I am going to move to a new school or district, I need to do so in the next year or two in order to keep my pay where it is (other districts often only give you credit for a maximum of 10 years).

The problem is we are both feeling restless. She wants out of the classroom. I won't go into all the reasons why. She's not giving up on education. She just wants something new more than she wants to be in the classroom and if you don't love it in there, it makes a very difficult day-to-day living.

I'm not sure if I do want something new or not. I'm not really sure where I want to end up. My dilemma is more along the lines of trying to figure out where I want to be when I grow up (at 32 already).

I have a passive tendency from my father. He is a wonderful man and a great dad. He's been a speech pathologist in the same school district since I can remember. He's been coaching cross country and track at the same high school since, what seems like, the beginning of time. He's  very nice but generally passive individual. Its what makes him awesome, though. But, in me, it's what makes me unsure if I want to leave what I have. Do I try to find a new job in the district at a high school and try that out? That might help me if I want to try to teach in college. Do I want to teach in college? Where could I do that? What about a design firm or something? Am I even qualified?.... Now you see how my brain has been working and why I often stop thinking of it and just forge ahead with where I'm at. The options are vague and abstract. I don't see how any other path might work. I just cant picture it.

Let's list what I have and see if its worth risking or losing. I have an Art job at a fairly new (8 years old) middle school at the beginning of the eastern plains of Colorado. Its 10 minutes from my house, 30 from downtown Denver, and I can see the mountains from my classroom. I get to come up with and write whatever lessons I want to fulfill the standards. I have a decent budget, but dwindling every year. I have 6 classes a day of about 35-40 kids, which is becoming a lot with more kids in my class every year. I have to do duty everyday outside in the morning, which isn't bad when its nice. My school leadership drives me a little crazy, but my principal just announced he is retiring. Next year could be interesting because of this. All that being said about my school, I haven't experienced any other type of school, population of students, or ways of doing things. Maybe my school is amazing. Maybe it sucks. I don't have much to compare it to.

On another note, I also have a coaching gig at the high school next door. I coach cross country and track (except I took this year off from track with the baby and all). I built that program from 15 kids in last place to 50 strong and league champions. Tha'ts going to be very hard for me to give up. Its a passion. I love coaching and I love that team. That might actually be the hardest thing for me to walk away from if I have to/choose to leave for something else.

I also make a decent wage and am now responsible for a baby boy. It scares me to walk away from something so stable and put him at risk because I want to do something else possibly.

With all that being said and listed out and all the real positives that come with all that, there's still a lingering feeling I need to do something else, something more, something different. I feel like I am smart enough, cable enough, talented enough to do something bigger that would allow me greater opportunities. ( I sound like Stuart Smalley from SNL)

Maybe its because I keep listening to these podcasts that interview creative and successful people. They talk about their influences and daily rituals and how they got to be where they are. They've traveled, started businesses, written books, met with others of influence, etc. I listen to these people to try to figure out how I can take the next step, but recently I've just felt like these people are inadvertently mocking me. Its pointing out all the stuff I haven't done yet and didn't do when I was younger and might never do now that I'm older. Damn it! Its motivating but also depressing. How something can be both I don't know. I want to do something drastic and follow my passion and put in the work to become something new and better, but I'm not sure what that is, how to start, and if its too late. Maybe I'm too old, too set in my skill sets and experiences, too settled down with a family and debt and a house, etc. Don't get me wrong... I love my wife and son. I love my dog. I love where I live. But, those are all things I am responsible for and can't just up and go back to art school because I want to be a better painter or something.

All this leaves me wondering what my next step is going to be. Will I just stay here and teach art at the same school forever, coaching into the sunset? I can think of worse things, but the thought of that makes me just as nervous. I think there's more out there to experience. We only get one life in the flesh. I don't think I should spend it doing the same thing for 30+ years. I am not knocking those who do. If you are perfectly happy where you are, doing what you do, that seems fine to me. For me, though, I believe strongly that there's more out there. I just don't know what or where it is yet. Maybe that's okay. I am open to opportunity. I just wonder if I should give opportunity a nudge and in what direction.

Dream Job aka... The job I had in my dream

It seems I keep writing about my dreams, but since I am doing my writing in the early morning, that’s what’s on my mind. I’m also trying harder to remember my dreams as I would like to have a lucid one. I kept a journal in college for a short period of time in an effort to do this. I began remembering everything, up to several dreams a night. I still remember some of them as if they were real memories. I eventually had to stop to get some actual rest as it started to get out of hand, but I am interested in going back to that place. I have always been interested in Surrealism and the use of dreams and dream images for use in art. I would like to get back to making more art, thus….. dreams.

My dream last night wasn’t a long one. I can tell you where some of the images come from and why they are there, but what’s most interesting to me is the feeling I had during and after the dream.

In the dream, the earliest part of it I can remember, I had just gotten a job. It was at an advertising agency. I was in our first meeting and I think I had been hired a few minutes before that. I remember thinking I hadn’t even quit my other part time job yet or something to that effect. I think I was approaching this job from a part-time point of view, but the boss-man thought I was full time. That will come into play later.

The meeting was is a relatively small room. There were about 12 people in there in black office swivel chairs around a cheap wooden office table. The chairs weren’t those big comfortable ones. They are the low-backed ones with cloth covers, not leather or even fake leather. But they were comfortable, like they were brand new. It was a little cramped in there… very little room between the wall and chairs. Everyone was wearing very dark business clothing. It seemed even darker in the bright white walls and fluorescent lights. Everyone was in pairs or small groups they would work together on accounts in. The woman I was with was blond with her hair pulled up and wearing a black sport coat jacket over a black blouse. Upon reflection after the dream, she looked just like the main lady lawyer from Better Call Saul.

The boss guy started going over the accounts we needed to figure out and work on. This part was exciting for me. I was excited about which account we would get and what we would do with it. I have very fleeting images in my head of some of the ideas I had and sketched out. Something to do with black silhouettes on white backgrounds and mixed up… hard to explain the image, although I believe a rubber duck silhouette was in it. The boss went over schedules and calendars and some timelines as we began to wrap up the meeting. I remember at one point we had to start over as we had completely forgotten about Christmas. I turned and asked my partner in the account what I should work on over the weekend to get ready. I was excited and was hoping she would say to list some ideas, or sketch, or something. She said not to worry about it and that she would handle it. She seemed a little miffed and upset. I thought maybe it was getting paired with me, a newbie. She left abruptly without saying anything to me.

I realized at the end of the meeting that I had to talk to the boss about my hours and that I was really just looking for part time. Then I had the thought that maybe I should quit my teaching job and just start this full time. I actually went through what that scenario would look like and entail. In my dream it gave me a very excited and happy feeling. I woke up with that.

I’ve always been interested in advertising. I originally thought about going to school for it. It’s not that I want to be manipulative of people. It’s that I really enjoy creative problem solving. It combines everything I love doing…. Art, design, visual and mental puzzles, figuring people out, etc. There was a show that used to be on after Mad Men called Ad Men. It was two ad agencies battling over a client by pitching their best ideas and campaigns to them. I loved that show. I really enjoyed watching the process. What I found most interesting about my dream was the feeling I had in it that carried over to me being awake. I was really happy and excited about the job. I was looking forward to working. I actually looked up jobs in the shower on my phone just to see. I haven’t felt that excited about a job or work in many years. I suppose I have some reflecting and thinking to do.