Best and worst teaching moment

In my latest leadership team meeting at school we were asked to reflect on our very best and very worst teaching moments. What moment made me feel awesome and that I was born for this? What moment made me feel like a total failure?

I had a very easy time thinking up terrible moments. They all came from my first 3 years teaching and they all involve me yelling. It's not that I don't yell at some kids now... every once in a while. It's that I make a choice to yell or raise my voice. I use is strategically now. In the past this wasn't always the case. 

I don't want to bore you with the exact situations, but there were a few moments from my early teaching days that my anger and frustration burst forward like a dam giving way the inevitable force of massive amounts of water. When I think of those times it's like I'm watching a movie about someone else, but I can still physically feel my rage. I am in no way proud of them. It brings feelings of embarrassment and shame. I want to chalk it up to my inadequacies as a new teacher. Fact is, though, the problem wasn't being a new teacher. It was being a new adult. I was not in control of myself as much as I wanted to be. I don't want to make it seem that I was yelling and screaming all the time. I had some very good times... But those moments of totally losing my cool have stayed with me like scars. They are reminders of my past failures. I can do better and have since. There's no advice I can give a new teacher to through these times other than to take deep breathes or even leave the room if you have to as I have done recently. But, as I said, it's not a teaching problem. I think it's an adult problem. I think being a new teacher is hard anyways, but stack on top of it figuring out how to be an adult out of college... it makes it much worse. Your anxiety about paying bills, and getting groceries, and starting a life seep into the classroom... just like it does for kids. 

Sadly, when I tried to think of an exact moment when I knew I was born to teach, I couldn't think of one specifically. I can think of kids who went on to be successful in art, but I'm not sure it was due to me. Instead of one big moment, my successes are built from tons of little tiny moments you don't realize are important until later. 

There were tons of moments that flashed through my head of sitting and helping a kid think though a project idea and coming up with something that made their whole body light up. Or when you push them a little harder and they exclaim at something awesome they just did. When they can't wait to show you what they did. When they bring in work from home that blows you away. When they come to your room everyday during lunch to make art because it's there favorite place in the world.

I don't want it to sound like this is my whole day. I'm not that teacher. I'm not the worst, but I'm far from the best. But I have little, tiny moments frequently that seem to reaffirm what I'm doing.

In teaching, often times the days are hard. You go home thinking of that one kid who threw clay, or the kid whose project broke, or the kid who just has given up. Those kids make it hard. Not because they are that awful but because you actually care. But there are so many successes we don't think of day to day. While I was unable to think of one example of why I was meant to teach, there is a body of work that keeps me coming everyday.

Sorry if this was too sappy. Its just a reflection.